Chapter Eleven
New Days – Six years later
I
turned the pages of the newspaper, spread across the kitchen table, immersed in
the headlines, stunned but not surprised to see my family’s name embroiled in
financial scandal… Confessions of a Post-teenage
Hermit
I’d found that note when I packed up my
things. My secret engagement had been so long ago it was largely forgotten by
everyone except me.
My teaching assistant’s job had officially
ended for the summer (and because I was only employed on contract I had no pay
to go on vacation). My bank account, aligned with the family trust – the place
I’d allowed my father to invest my share of the family savings and assets, was
tied up in debt, frozen. It would be months before we knew the outcome of the
investigation into the director of the financial organization we’d invested
with. I had exactly one month’s salary to live on – for the rest of my life.
I was in some credit card debt (my fault
from the shopping sprees I’d been encouraged to go on by my sisters) but still,
it was the worst time to find a ‘real job’. There were so few vacancies and I
didn’t have my degree. Unlike my older sister, Elizabeth, I didn’t panic. I’d allowed my father to invest money my
grandparents had set aside for me, years ago, and although we had not been
close in recent years, even then it must have been a very unwise decision. I
had to take responsibility for my actions.
Besides, I loved The Beach Shack. Being a
waitress was not the worst idea I’d ever had; it just didn’t pay well. It paid
enough, almost.
“Keep telling yourself that, Jane,”
Melissa said. “You’re in your twenties now, it’s time to wake up and smell the
espresso – literally.”
I wished Melissa would keep her ‘helpful’
comments to herself. Teenage marriage had been her escape and she’d never had
to consider how to earn a living since. It was typical of her to judge me for
trying as hard as I could.
I wrote out the pros and cons.
Pros:
At The Beach Shack, Keira and I get free
coffee and food. I also get to sit and work on my blog before and after work
and during breaks. It is wasted energy to worry about the lost deposit or the
weeks I’d saved to go on the trip to Mexico, something I’d been planning for
months.
Cons:
The vacay money would have to go towards my
debts and credit card bills.
Who said being an adult was fun? I threw
the travel brochures away and picked up Pride
and Prejudice instead. I read until early morning.
After I fell asleep, the telephone woke me
up, ringing in my ear. I thought it had been disconnected. I let it go to
messages. The only way anyone communicated these days was by text anyway,
unless it was urgent. I thought I’d better check. It was Melissa, my younger
sister. I heard her familiar whine: twenty-one, married and newly pregnant with
her third child. Her first pregnancy, two years ago, had resulted in twins.
I could hear Melissa’s flat, monotone
voice, on the other end of the line, begging me to come and stay with her in
Venice Beach. Well, I liked Venice Beach but staying at her place was like a
living nightmare of sulking nannies and screaming babies.
At least she’d offered. Let’s face it, I was
in no position to refuse but I knew my father and Liz were expecting me in Bel
Air. I hoped it would only be until I got on my feet.
Nevertheless, Melissa sounded pretty
desperate.
“The nanny needs the day off to go to her
mother’s second wedding, so typical!” I pulled the receiver from my ear. Almost
no one called me these days except my sisters, and only when they wanted
something. I listened to Missy’s voice drone on, a litany of whinges ending
with, “I need you here now!”
Turns out Melissa and Fred, (Melissa’s
husband), had a function at Fred’s work they couldn’t cancel and Melissa needed
me to drive to the beach house and deliver the keys to Liz who’d organised the
lease with the new tenants. Missy had to get ready, then she wanted me to drive
back to her place and babysit her children for the evening.
I knew it.
I loved children but Melissa’s infant
twins were the most difficult I’d ever encountered. All of her previous nannies
had quit and I didn’t blame them.
In a nutshell, my sisters and Keira are
pretty much the only other “adults” I’ve spoken to in ages. How was it, I
wondered, after more than twenty-one years on this earth, I’d managed to create
a network of so few friends? It hadn’t
helped that I’d dropped out of college. But now, my closest acquaintances apart
from my family were the convenience store operator and the lady who ran my
father’s local dry–cleaning store.
Reluctantly, I pulled on a sweater and
picked up my car keys.
When I reached Melissa’s house near Venice
Beach an hour later, I glanced at the note she’d left on her dining room table. I had
to go to the grocery store. I’m out of formula! Keys are in the red envelope. Thanks
Jane! Text me when you’re done.
The kitchen was shambolic. The maid had
quit the previous week. There were papers piled up everywhere I looked. I
brushed them aside as I tried to locate the envelope, then I glanced at my
reflection in the hall. I hadn’t bothered with make-up but I thought I should
wash my face. Before I left, I stacked the dishwasher, scraped my hair into a
ponytail, secured it with elastic and rubbed some lip balm into my lips; not
very glamorous but ready to go.
I loved driving my old car but suddenly the
images of those who were lost to me in different ways – my father, Jenny, Ben –
filled the small spaces in my mind that had room for any worldly cares. I was
exhausted with worry yet the ocean usually revived me. I loved the coastline
along the winding road that led into Wentworth. I turned up the music in my car
stereo, but being alone gave me too much time to think.
I was lucky, really, I told myself. It was
just the comparison with my sisters that made me seem somehow lacking. I was
hardly old, but my sisters seemed to have their lives organised on the surface.
Underneath, it was a different story.
Melissa met Fred at eighteen and married
him three months later. Elizabeth was a driven career woman with a high salary
and a passion for first kisses. I had it on good authority (via Melissa) that
she was dating Tom Wentworth, but she didn’t want him to think she was “exclusive;”
like I cared.
I was beginning to look like the sibling
without direction, purpose or prospects. Since I hadn’t had a boyfriend who’d
lasted longer than a week in three years, neither of my siblings held out high
hopes for me.
When I arrived at Kellynch, the house was lit in afternoon sun. I unlocked the door
and pulled on my painting shirt, which still had tiny, Dali-esque splatters
along the collar, cuffs and front.
I was not surprised that my family didn’t arrange
the necessary house makeover and repairs until after I left. Freshly painted,
the place looked spick and span again and ready for the new tenants. Kellynch was full of memories of happier
days.
You could practically smell the cloying
sweetness of money in the damp Victorian hallway near the family portrait,
which had been covered with a cloth. I breathed out heavily, determined not to
cry anymore. I’d tried to slip out of
the old house days ago, along the hedges of the flowers and fruit trees my
grandmother had planted, but once again, I was dragged back.
I went outside and sat on the front porch,
waiting for Liz to arrive (late as usual), and then I decided to go for a walk
to clear my head. I knew I’d probably never live here again, certainly not as a
tenant, much less the owner. I wanted to remember the sea air and the sand
between my toes.
The visitors, the family who wished to
lease the home, were to arrive at midday to exchange contracts and keys. I
wasn’t sure why an estate agent wasn’t employed but suddenly Liz was on a
savings drive and had decided to deliver the paperwork herself. She assured me the new tenants would, “look
after the house as if it were their own.”
I glanced at the contract but their
surname, Croft, didn’t ring a bell. The family were obviously not locals.
I couldn’t breathe that afternoon as I
waited. It had been half an hour, already. Bored, I found my old swimsuit in a
box and decided to go swimming. By then
Liz had texted me to apologise for the delay.
I dived right into the pool. The water
folded into my arms, sublime, drowning my memories – but not quite. The memory
of Ben and the reality of my life now was way too clear. Stupid, stupid girl I
was, letting myself be talked out of marrying Ben when I was eighteen, being
convinced that hesitation would just mean delay. The idea that marrying the man
I loved would be the answer to my dreams was so yesterday I nearly laughed. It
was such an old fashioned notion to think that any other person had the power
to fix your life, let alone a man, yet I felt I was being treated badly by my
family because I had no one to stick up for me. Well then, I knew I’d have to
stand tall and stand up for myself.
“If he
loves you, he will wait for you, it will all work out,” Elizabeth had
assured me. I wouldn’t have taken advice solely from her but my sisters had
agreed. Somehow my Godmother and sisters convinced me that if Ben was more than
a passing fantasy, our love would stay strong and survive distance. My father,
of course, had shown his true feelings from the beginning.
“Besides”, my
father had said, “any happiness between
you and the Wentworth boy is sure to be short lived because truly, what are his
prospects? Don’t you realize how hard it is not just to be accepted into pilot
training but then to complete it?”
“Of course, he’d have to become an officer
first,” Melissa interjected with a raised eyebrow,
as if that was impossible.
My Godmother assured me if I could wait, so
would he.
How wrong could they have been? I had not
heard from Ben since the day I’d refused his proposal. Yet I still wore the plain
gold band he’d enclosed with the note, around a fine chain on my neck. I always
tucked it into my collars, though, so no one ever saw it.
Eleanor and the others had been so wrong.
My hesitancy caused him to doubt my love. I had loved Ben more than words could
say and here he was, returning home for the summer, an officer and a gentleman.
He made the boys I’d met since look dull and average by comparison.
But no one forced me to do what I did. Not
really.
Hadn’t I thought, deep down, that I was
unprepared to be someone’s wife, to wholly belong to anyone until I belonged to
myself?
“You have no sense of your own power,”
Jenny had told me once and she was right. All I’d felt, in relation to my
family, was the lack of it.
But what was worse, I had no sense of
self-worth, and I’d spent years searching for it. Doing good works for others,
looking after other people’s children might be a worthy occupation but how did
it compare to having your own? And the only person I’d ever envisaged doing
that with, was Ben. And now he was gone. And yes, I was still young but when
you’ve lost the man you love all you feel is the distance of years spread out
like an endless, empty road.
I had loved Ben with all my soul but I’d
let him go. Now he was sure to be tied to another. In many ways, because of my
hesitancy, I felt I’d deserved this half-world that was my life.
As I stood on the edge of the diving
board, the higher one, the one I never climbed because heights scared me, I
shivered. I could feel my hair dripping down my back. I lay down and closed my
eyes. I rolled and felt almost light in the sun, faintly off balance, when a
hand grabbed my elbow as I opened my eyes. I looked up, closer to the edge and
saw Liz’s face.
“Are you alright?” My sister asked me. Liz
was standing on the steps peering over at me through dark sunglasses.
“Yes,” I lied. “I was just getting some
sun.”
Liz shook her head.
“You were miles away, you looked like you
were about to roll off the edge of the diving board, eyes closed. I know you
are scared of standing up in high places but this is ridiculous. I was yelling
at you to come down. It’s not safe up here. The workmen are returning tomorrow
to fix the slide. C’mon Jane, the new tenants will be here in twenty minutes,
help me clear out the last of the boxes.”
She offered me her hand and I took it.
Women like my sister Elizabeth acted on instinct. They looked after themselves
first, knowing that if they didn’t, they might be left out in the cold. Women
like Elizabeth would never become women like me.
If only I’d been that much of a realist,
with an iron grip survival instinct. I wouldn’t be the sort of person who
almost fell off the edge of a diving board because her head was somewhere in
the clouds.
I heard my Godmother arriving from next
door. “Good news, Jane,” She exclaimed. “I mean, that the beach house has been
leased.”
“Yes,” I said hesitantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I know it has been your home
for the last few years but you are always welcome to stay with me until you
are… on your feet again.”
“Thanks
Eleanor,” I replied with a smile. I knew my Godmother meant well, but I’d
already promised both Liz and Melissa I’d stay with them. “I’m fine,” I added as
I walked back through the sitting room. Sarah Croft, our new tenant, had arrived. Her name didn’t mean anything to me, but her
face looked vaguely familiar.
“She’s way famous,” Liz whispered as she
hurried downstairs. “She’s on that soap, you know, the one that was filmed in
Malibu with all of those glamorous people.”
I couldn’t resist a pause as I walked
towards the doorway where Sarah stood, admiring the view. Sarah Croft was Ben’s
(now) married sister. Formerly Sarah Wentworth, she’d taken her husband’s name.
She turned, looked up, smiled at me and
said, “Hi, haven’t we met before?”
“I ...knew your family,” I stammered.
Elizabeth looked surprised. I wanted to add, “but we only met once over a family dinner as teenagers.” I
remembered how warm and welcoming the Wentworths were back then and the
delicious food Mrs Wentworth had cooked. Instead, I said nothing. I’d been
erased from Ben’s life as easily as our maid removed dust from the window ledge
I’d once crawled out of when I was three.
I shivered and pulled my sweater close. My
hair was still wet.
“I knew I’d seen you before,” Sarah said
with a smile.
“I… I’ve seen you on television as well,”
I stumbled, sounding not much more than pathetic.
“Oh, that show,” she said, dismissively,
“I think being a mom suits me more than the world of show biz,” she laughed as
her young son came running into the room.
I smiled.
“Don’t worry,” she joked. “He’s usually
very well behaved,” she added as she wandered through the hall to contain her
son while her husband talked with Liz outside and signed the paperwork, taking
possession of the keys.
“I knew your brother once,” I said
suddenly.
“Oh,” she replied, then she smiled. “Oh,
now I remember you coming over for dinner when my family lived in Los Angeles.”
She paused, picked up Max and changed the
subject. “Well, thank you so much for renting out your beautiful house. My
husband… is working all summer on a movie and this place is exactly what I
needed.”
I paused, “Uh huh…”
“I felt overwhelmed with my acting
schedule and I needed a vacation, just to be a mom. It’s nice to have a break.
But I never would have known about this place. My brother told me about it. Ben
is so thoughtful like that. He read the notice online. Of course, we knew the
town but not this particular area. Ben really is the kindest, best man I know,
apart from my father and husband, of course.”
I smiled. I knew of Ben’s inherent
kindness. It was a great attribute that I missed every day. I couldn’t help but
be mildly annoyed that Ben was inadvertently responsible for my current
situation.
“I remember now, you were both childhood
friends.”
“We went to Hallowed Halls together.”
“I missed all of that. I was away at
college.”
“Oh,” was all I said.
Sarah clearly had no idea about the
extent of our relationship. It was probably better that way.
She continued, “I left college to go into
showbiz when I got that series at eighteen, so this is a chance for Ben and I
to hang out together before he starts his pilot training programme, in Texas.”
“Right,” I nodded.
“We’re having a bonfire party this weekend.
You and your family must come. I’m sure Ben would love to see you.”
Before I could reply my sister called out
from beyond the porch.
“Jane!”
I went to leave then hesitated.
“I’ll try to come. By the way, look after
the house. It’s my favorite place,” I said softly, and then I walked outside to
the car.
The weather had turned. I told myself as
the young couple and their son took possession of Kellynch that I was glad to be returning to Bel Air, but it wasn’t
true.
