Chapter Fourteen
Letters
From Kate to Heath
Dearest Heath
It’s the night after the dance and I’ve
been told to pack and be ready to leave in an hour. No one will tell me why I’m
wanted at The Hall. It may be something to do with Harrison. No one can find you. I think you must be out
hunting. Father insists I am to return home on the next train. My bags are
packed and I’m writing this to you in case you don’t arrive in time to catch
the train with me. I want you to know what I have never told you enough - how
much I love you. I am leaving this under your door to read when you return.
I keep thinking of the events that led to
me being separated from you and wanted to clear up the misunderstanding that
occurred… I’m going back to the beginning…
Annabelle stopped by (such a swat) on her
way from the school library, to show me her dress. Don’t ask me how we’ve become
friends but I suppose that’s what you could call us, until tonight. Anyway, I’d
been trying to get her to wear contacts for ages, and finally she’d agreed. It
was like a new person greeted me at the door.
‘Kate, you look beautiful,’ she said. I
felt it was my turn to repay her compliment.
We sat together at my dresser, me in my
pink satin slip, bought especially to go with my dress for the occasion (I
can’t believe I’m writing this down!) to impress you later as we planned! Annabelle had draped my dressing gown over
her clothes and was trying on my slippers. We painted our nails to match our
dresses. Afterwards, I did Annabelle’s makeup. I was quite thrilled to have
made Belle my personal project as I felt her transformation on the surface
would lead to a more profound transformation of her personality.
I was so excited to see your band play in
front of a real audience for the first time. I knew you’d rock the place out;
you’re so hot and talented, how could you be anything but amazing? And you were
amazing, Heath. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel different, just because you
are.
When Annabelle emerged from my bathroom
transformed in a cream and silver tasselled dress, I was surprised. Then I
complimented my new friend.
‘Wow,’ I said, ‘you look completely
amazing!’
‘Do you think so? Do you think anyone will
notice?’
By “anyone” I was pretty sure she meant you
and I ignored the insinuation.
‘Of course, you look beautiful Annabelle,’ I
said, and meant it.
Annabelle smiled. She said she knew her
pale, icy prettiness wouldn’t last. ‘I have a slim figure but I know I lack
the… specialness that would make a boy like Heath, for example, sit up and take
notice.’
I knew she wanted me to disagree, but I
could never just let her think you were hers for the taking. Instead, I told
her any guy would be lucky to have her. And I believed it, (unless that guy was
you, of course). Annabelle was, or rather is, perfect girlfriend material, more
perfect than me. She’s perfectly boring, perfectly spoken and perfectly nice. How
could you not like her Heath? Tell me what I saw never happened! Do you remember how much we hated the Hunts
as children? How we used to laugh at them?
Of course, Edmund has always disliked you
because you were braver than him – or so I thought. He called you “rough” but I
know Annabelle secretly had a crush on you from the time we all met up at
Hareton Hall during summer holidays and I put on a fashion show. Remember?
The fashion show began and ended with me
showing off my new sports uniform. All of our school friends came and it was my
idea to donate the door money to charity! Annabelle was invited to model also,
but I went first. Edmund and Annabelle took their seats, open mouthed, on the
floor. I’d set up the old ballroom like a theatre and forced you to grudgingly
hold the curtains and shine the spotlight. You studied our neighbouring friends
without hiding your irritation. You still hadn’t forgiven their father for
accusing you of harming their dog when we were small, and I don’t blame you.
You looked like you wanted to be anywhere but inside The Hall that day but this
was a chance to “let bygones be bygones,” as Greta once said.
‘May I take your coat, Annabelle?’ I
remember Greta asking.
‘Yes, thank you very much,’ the girl with
milk skin answered. You must have found her vaguely pretty, I’m sure, even
though you barely showed her any attention when she modelled and clapped loudly
when I did. If both she and her brother hadn’t irritated us so much with their
bland, insipid privilege, perhaps we would all have been friends, earlier. But
we always preferred being outside when we were children, didn’t we? Playing on
Hampstead Heath in the wind, remember?
Anyway, earlier tonight Annabelle continued
to blabber on as we got ready…
‘I honestly think Heath is the most
handsome boy I’ve ever met…’
I couldn’t disagree. I sometimes wonder if
Annabelle’s plan to befriend me had something to do with wanting to be near
you. She stood up and hovered at the entrance to my room when she was nearly
ready as if she wanted to share more unasked for information.
I turned around from my dressing table.
‘You look like… a princess,’ she gasped. It
was her turn to flatter me. Annabelle was still gawping at my darkly made up
eyes, long gloves, low-cut dress and glitter eye shadow. ‘Although I’m not sure the school…’
‘Oh, I couldn’t care less if I get a
stupid demerit for wearing a revealing outfit…’ I said. ‘Don’t look so shocked, Annabelle. Come
over here and help me tease my hair. It is a 1960’s theme after all!’
‘You look…amazing,’ she said as I applied my
pale, pink lipstick.
It was eight in the evening and the Battle
of the Bands Dance had been going for at least half an hour when we arrived. We
stood at the top of the stairs surveying the scene we helped create, glitter
ball and all. It was spectacular. I knew you were on last and your band was the
only one I wanted to cheer for Heath. I thought the school hall, lit up with
disco lights, looked amazing, didn’t you? I took Annabelle’s cream gloved hand
in my pink gloved one as we casually walked down the staircase towards the
cloak room and saw the whole school lit up with a banner that read Sixth Form
Dance.
When your band played, you guys were
awesome. We clapped wildly so you would hear us but you looked straight past me
and smiled at Annabelle! She smiled back! I happen to know you’d barely said
more than two words to her in all your life, yet she was convinced you were in
love with her after that. How could this be so, Heath? I am sorry for doubting
you but as her obsession seemed to know no limits. I couldn’t help but wonder
if you had ever done anything at all to encourage her.
The lights were lowered as the heating and
the energy in the room warmed and I noticed you pour something from a flask
into your water bottle. I think, maybe, you had forgotten your Magenta. You
looked hungry.
The band started playing again and you were
amazing as I always knew you would be. Annabelle’s face lit up and I would have
started laughing if it wasn’t so annoying. I suppose I just decided to fight
fire with fire.
Soon I was surrounded by a group of boys
and some of them started dancing and thrashing to the music and I was caught up
in the throng of activity. Food was passed around, teachers stood back and
hovered, talking amongst themselves, finally letting everyone dance without
bothering to interrupt.
The set stopped and afterwards, I saw you
attempt to move towards me as Annabelle headed in the opposite direction. You
didn’t push past her as I expected you to and I refused to show anyone I’d
noticed. You looked embarrassed when she
clutched your arm and told you how great you were but perhaps you had matured
too much to be openly rude as you once might have been. I could barely hear
your voices above the dance music but the conversation went something like
this:
‘Hi. The band was amazing,’ Annabelle said.
You were flattered. I could tell by the
careful way you smiled and said, ‘Thanks Annabelle.’
‘It reminds me of the music we played
when Kate and I used to make up dances and modelling shows… remember when we
lived next door to each other...’
How interesting, I thought, when
Annabelle knew the dances and fashion shows were entirely directed by me.
‘Of course,’ you said, ‘how could I
forget? You were always so creative,’ I could not believe what I was hearing. I
also couldn’t believe any girl could be quite so…obvious or that you could
flatter her so easily. You started packing your guitar in its case and you
didn’t even give me a second glance.
I admit I was occupied with a group of
friends by this point but that was because I was so annoyed that you had all
but ignored me. How could you, Heath? Finally, you glanced over at me but I
wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of realising that I’d noticed. I realise
now, you were mad at me for not telling you I loved you in return in the
cottage the day before. But did you have to pay me back by flirting with
Annabelle? It worked.
In fact, I barely gave a second to look in
your direction. The look on your face said it all. I admit, I was wondering if
you were having second thoughts about us. It is true that you are from another
world but that is not why I love you, I know that. I know that you would love
me even if we’d been brought up together on the street. Games are for other
people, Heath, not us.
You only have to be yourself with me and I
love you completely, for that alone. You once told me you could do anything you
wanted, be anyone you wanted and so could I. I am so much like you; I am you.
You left too early from the dance, if you heard my reply to Edmund’s question
but not my true answer. Please come back to me. Save me from whatever fate has
in store for me without you. If you are
reading this, I am on the train alone and you did not return in time to come
with me. I shall wait for you at Hareton Hall…almost as if, although separate,
we are one.
I love you more than
words can ever say.
Yours forever,
Kate
The second letter was
in Heath’s handwriting, dated that night:
Dearest Kate
Love and loyalty forever, without one the
other doesn’t exist! How could you imagine otherwise? I have not stopped thinking about you since
we parted tonight and I’m writing this now, to give to you in the morning since
the house mistress said you could not see me tonight. I walked over to the
girls’ school to find you but the teachers wouldn’t tell me where you had gone.
Someone said you had been taken back to London and that because no one could
locate me, I am to leave on the morning train. They won’t tell me why either,
just that I am wanted at home.
I feel the need to set things straight
between us, since this is our first quarrel and I could not go to sleep angry –
or go to sleep at all knowing you are on your way to Hareton Hall without me. I
shall give this to you when I see you since it will be easier than spoken
words.
I hope father is okay. You know I love him
as if he were my own, and I have a strange feeling something is up from the way
the school counsellor has been speaking to me with added empathy. No one will
tell me anything.
I hope you at least decide to open this
because I know you were angry with me last night. In light of what has
happened, our quarrel seems pointless, so please, when you receive this, don’t
just throw it out the window. You know I never write letters, never, but I am
making the exception for you, because you are special Kate and always will be,
because I love you forever and you know I always will.
I’m going to start at the beginning and I’m
warning you, this letter is going to be more than a few pages long…
Okay, it’s true that I was deeply
embarrassed by Annabelle being “all over me” as you put it. In my defence, it
was past eight and I hadn’t been able to get to my supplies and I felt
strangely weakened, my desire for blood stronger than ever. I am sorry to have
to tell you this, but it is the truth. I won’t go on about it but I was feeling
less than my best which may have added to the perception that I was ignoring
you. Remember Kate, it is hard to be the one saying “I love you,” and not hearing
those words in return.
As for the Band Battle, I think we were
attracting a few fans (this bit is supposed to make you laugh!) but I admit
Annabelle was very obvious tonight. Even our drummer noticed her behaviour. She
credited you with her makeover! Perhaps you should have given her a make-under
- just kidding. Yes, I smiled back at
her as I glanced around the room, waiting for YOU who seemed to be ignoring me!
We had agreed to meet outside after the set had finished, to continue the
party…elsewhere. But the scout from London was here and the band wanted me to
put in an appearance. After he left, Mr Jones was on the war path trying to
round up the boys who spiked the punch …guess who? Annabelle was a decoy,
someone to hide behind. I am ashamed to say that is why I went outside with her
and this is what happened next…
Annabelle sipped her drink and tried to
make conversation, thrilling lines such as:
‘Do you have plans, Heath, for when school
ends?’
I replied, ‘yes,’ wondering how long before
it would be safe to go inside.
‘I don’t… not really. Father wants me to
apply for university. I thought I might like to go to Art College in London
instead.’
I nodded, still waiting for you, feigning
interest in her vapid conversation. I glanced through the glass doors and saw
you and the moronic Edmund Hunt, dancing. Great choice if you wanted to make me
jealous Kate, it worked.
Annabelle looked up and said, ‘My brother
seems to have taken a shine to…your sister.’
I gulped my drink as one of the band made a
secretive gesture in his direction indicating more alcohol would be
forthcoming.
‘She’s… not my sister,’ I said quickly
(because you aren’t!)
‘No… I’m sorry, of course not, but you were
raised together…’ Annabelle added, more annoyingly than ever.
‘Only until we came here…almost six years
ago now,’ I replied, setting the record straight.
Annabelle then changed the subject.
‘I thought I’d hate it here but sometimes I
prefer the school to home. I like having friends of my own.’
(I’m not sure what you said to her that
afternoon, Kate, but she was under the impression you were her new best
friend!)
I admit, it’s true, this next part makes
me seem inconsiderate but I was bored by her conversation and looked around the
room. I became even more annoyed by your flirty behaviour with rich boy Edmund.
Annabelle was all…wobbly by then. I think she’d been drinking too much punch even
though it was never designed for her! She kept putting her hand on my shoulder
to steady herself and at one point I returned the gesture to hold her up!
I looked across the room and there you
were, beautiful in your pink dress, glaring at me. You turned your head (to
listen to Edmund’s scintillating conversation, no doubt).
Annabelle said, ‘Oh look, Kate’s dress
fans out in waves across the floor, in waves at her feet like the ocean…’
And at that moment, that’s exactly where I
wanted to be with you. As far away from that school and our families and all
the people who ever knew us, because I only want you, Kate, forever.
Then, the music reached a fever pitch and
Annabelle was jumping up and down and you were in the middle of the group and I
was watching you and then you…fell down.
‘Oh,’ Annabelle said, suddenly still, ‘I
hope Kate’s okay.’
I moved towards you but Edmund Hunt got
there first.
Annabelle looked at me all gaga by
then. It’s true that I glanced at her,
but more like she was a consolation prize! This was just as you turned heads
paying Edmund your undivided attention!
(One of my teammates once walked in on the pair of them – brother and
sister – trying to teach each other to dance in the student common room!)
Honestly, Kate, we should never let either of them get between us. They are not
worth it! (Jealous? Yes, at least I admit it!) I turned away as Edmund was
helping you up.
‘Do you want to go outside?’ Annabelle asked
me, unexpectedly.
What was I supposed to say? I suppose I
could have declined and stormed off like a girl but I wanted to make you pay.
I’m sorry, I know that love is patient and kind; I know that is what we are
taught but you and I are different. Words are not enough. I just want to be
with you…impatiently, all the time. And sometimes I want to suck the vein in
your wrist but I hold back because I’m trying to be better than that for you
Kate, I’m trying not to have to be what I was born to be. You make me try to be
a better man. Tonight I was less than my best, I know…
The balcony was divided into sections for
groups to talk and socialize.
I made sure rich boy saw me as you told
Edmund you were okay while he helped you outside. I wanted to make you jealous so I put my arm
around Annabelle then released her moments later.
‘Wait here,’ I told Annabelle, ‘I’m going
to get you some water. I’ll be back in a moment.’ That’s when I heard you. Rich
boy spoke first.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
‘Ah, I think it might be some kind of…
minor sprain,’ you said.
‘Do you… need me to help you back to… ?’
‘No, I like the fresh air.’
I could hear your words clearly Kate as I
went to get Annabelle’s drink.
‘Do you… need me to help you back to your
room? Or would you like me to get…your friend, the one you’re always hanging
out with,’ Edmund said jealously I might add.
‘That is not necessary, I do some things
by myself you know… and we are not always together.’ I could hear those words
Kate! You spoke them!
‘Well, certainly, people don’t see you
together but I’ve heard…’ he went on.
‘Perhaps you listen to too much student
gossip…’ you sounded mortified that people might guess we were together!
‘No…not at all,’ Edmund said, ‘I just
thought you were with…’
I was standing outside the balcony tent by
then, hidden from view, but once I heard the topic of conversation I couldn’t
resist pausing. Trust is fragile Kate!
You need to explain the rest to me because I never stop loving you no
matter what you do…you added these words:
‘There is nothing to think… I’m my own
person. I’m not with…anyone. I don’t have a boyfriend…’
I admit I freaked out standing there in
the shadows like a stranger to your life. Hadn’t we just spent the morning
together? Hadn’t we been closer to each other than anyone else in this life? I
wanted to teach you a lesson for being disloyal, so I stormed off through the
crowd.
By now you must know, Annabelle means
nothing to me, nothing. YOU ARE MY LIFE KATE SPENCER.
Later
Then I woke up this morning to hear your
father had died suddenly. I am on the morning train to London, drinking my
supply. Honestly, I feel completely lost and only want to see your face again.
Our petty argument seems just that. He was the only father I ever knew, too,
Kate. I never met a kinder more sincere man in my life. I’m so sorry, Kate.
I LOVE YOU I NEED YOU I WANT YOU FOREVER.
I will be at Hareton Hall as soon as
possible
Hxxxxxxxxxxxx. (and here the page was
smothered in at least a dozen kisses and hugs and what looked like the smudge
of tears…)
I read over the childish letters in the
dark. It seemed plausible that Kate and Heath were separated as part of a plan
Harrison was forming.
Soon after, Kate was sent to Finishing School
in Switzerland, where she stayed for three months until her eighteenth
birthday. Both sets of school fees were
cancelled and Heath was thrown out of the house, onto the street, his
inheritance “absorbed” in the family trust and expenditure – justified by
Harrison’s appointment as the executor of the family estate. Neither of the
younger Spencers appears to have completed secondary school in Scotland. A final letter from Kate (written in
Switzerland) filled me in on some of the missing details.
Dear
Heath
By now you will know where I am and why
and I wait patiently to join you.
How typical of Harrison to have tricked
the school into separating us, and how alone and terrible I feel without you
now. I wait for you and please know everything that happened at the dance is
ancient history; it all means nothing in light of recent events. I still cannot believe father is gone.
Greta is taking this with her and has
promised to give it only to you. Harrison, as you know, confined me to my room
before I was packed off to Switzerland. He locked the door and barred the
window after he dragged me from your path and would not let me leave this room.
He says my place is with my family and not with “a freak”. But you are my
family Heath, and if that makes us freaks together, so be it. We will meet as
planned and Harrison will never separate us again.
You won’t believe what he has done! His new
girlfriend, Frances (we call her Franny and so far she is a good natured sort
of person, trying to bring me food and drink when Harrison is not about) is
soon to be his wife! The little boy (a mere toddler) is her brother. His name
is Hinton. They allowed him into my room to give me company before I was packed
off to Finishing School. How kind of them. He too is a good natured little boy,
with a face like a cherub. He likes to play with his toys and offers them to me
to “make me better”. I hate to imagine how Harrison’s influence could change
him since he is such a sweet child. I have tried to warn Frances but she is so
“in love” she refuses to listen, and so far, Harrison has only presented his
nicer side. He insists I am in my room for my own good and I barely have the
energy to resist any more. With you gone, I have nowhere to turn. I have
enclosed half the money we saved together in my piggy bank as children. I’d
hidden it and you will need it more than me. Please don’t send it back!
This
will be shorter than the last letter. I just want to clear up what happened at
the stupid Battle of the Bands and we can talk when I finally see you. Greta
has promised to send you the details and I know you will contact her; I just
know it.
Our school days seem pretty aimless in
light of what has happened. Father died in my arms just before you arrived
home. It was horrible, Heath. I miss him so much. I think he was our only ally.
Back to our stupid misunderstanding; I
know my thoughtless behaviour hurt you more than any beating or withdrawal of
privileges we ever received from Harrison, just as yours did me; so not worth
it. I love you, too, more than anything or anyone else. You should know, before
we make plans, that this is what happened after you left the ball room that
night.
I told Edmund that I couldn’t ever go out
with him. He asked me if I was “attached” to anyone (which I found old
fashioned and funny although I hardly imagine myself laughing ever again right
now…)
‘I…can’t go out with you Edmund,’ I said.
‘But, you just told me you are not
attached to anyone,’ he replied.
That’s
because I’m… more than attached. Those were my exact words, but you didn’t
stay in the room long enough to hear them.
I added, ‘It is true that you don’t see
Heath and I together… in public or at school much but… we are more than attached. We are together in
secret. We plan to move to London next year but of course my older brother
would never approve so we just keep it to ourselves. It is true we are young
but we are like, the same person. I
could never imagine being without… Heath.’ And blah blah blah I went on,
embarrassed to be relaying those words now, but they are TRUE.
‘I see,’ Edmund replied. Pale and dorky
though he is; I think he meant us both well. ‘I knew you were close… Anyway,
I’m going up to Cambridge next year….’ And after I had assured him there was no
hope we would ever be more than friends, Edmund looked away, hurt. So please
don’t hate him for liking me because I think he is actually a good person. He
seemed to understand and asked if we could remain friends. I didn’t know what
else to say so I said “yes”, but truly, it all meant nothing. I tried to get up
but the pain in my ankle made me hesitate. I looked for you but you were
NOWHERE. That night I dreamt that we were parted and I begged you to come back
to me.
Tell me this isn’t
true!
COME BACK TO ME NOW
HEATH. I LOVE YOU I NEED YOU I WANT YOU FOREVER AND EVER.
Love Kate (sealed with
a thousand kisses)
